Mad Donna's madness!!!!

Okey-dokey. To all you guys and gals that dragged your butt out to the HFA gathering last night, I would like to extend a personal thank you for helping make my holiday fun. Cause I have trouble finding reasons to go out and get schnockered, you know. Anyway, just wanted to say I had a great time catching up with all you crazy kids and I hope c/o '92 doesn't mind sharing their gathering with all of us hangers-on...cause I am pretty sure we're gonna do it again next year.
holla.

RULES: Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself by clicking on "Notes" on Facebook's home page. A box for the title and body of the note will appear, and so will a box where you can type in the names of people to tag.

If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. You must tag the person that tagged you.

1. Glancy Taylor Piper is the coolest person I have ever met, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he looks just like me.

2. My brother and my sister are my two best friends on earth and I secretly (or not so secretly) pity people who have no siblings.

3. I have never in my life had any ambition whatsoever yet have been perversely jealous of those people more successful than me, especially the ones I went to high school with.

4. My sister taught me to drive when I was 13 so she could ride home from school in the back of the truck with a boy she had a crush on. When my dad "taught" me to drive 2 years later, he thought I was a natural. Sorry to steal your anecdote, Jenny, but it is a defining moment for me.

5. I lived with the same guy on and off for 12 years and we never even kissed one time. Really.

6. To steal another one from my sister, I still miss Jason Royce Arrowwood every single day and probably always will. He told me from the day we met that all of the "great ones" die at 27, and I believe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. May he rest in peace because he surely never had any while he was alive.

7. Being a bartender for a decade does not prepare one to own a restaurant.

8. As a child by brother used to stand at the top of the stairs, hit himself, then cry "Becky, stop hitting me!" My mom would then threaten to punish me if I didn't leave him alone, which of course was just fuel to make him do it again.

9. I know every single word to the movie Shag and could probably act it out for you. But I won't. Ditto Pretty in Pink. And Newsies.

10. Also, my sophomore year of high school my best friend Paige and I would sync our VCRs up with the movie Robin Hood Prince of Thieves and watch it while on the phone. Like every day. "Why a spoon, mi lord?" "Cause it'll hurt more, you twit."

11. I still own all of my NKOTB paraphanalia.

12. In 5th grade my teacher (Ms. Jefferson) wouldn't excuse me to go to the bathroom and I wet my pants. I still hate her to this day.

13. I have lived in a 2 bedroom house/apartment with 7+ people on two separate occasions. I do not recommend this, especially if there is not a shower installed.

14. I have broken my arm tripping up stairs, my ankle jumping up to hit a doorway, every finger, a couple of toes, and my nose multiple times. And I've had stitches a few times, for stupid shit. I'm thinking of taking up gymnastics soon.

15. My two favorite activities in this world are drinking and playing pool. In that order. And I don't get to do either one very much anymore. This makes me very sad. It was my only chance to ever be a professional athlete.

16. I know every word to every song ever, or close to it. As does my brother and sister. I think it is genetic.

miss me?

Yeah...me, too. I miss me. I miss the pool playing, rabble rousing, drunken carousing late night fun time gal that I was 2 months ago. Don';t get me wrong. I totally love and respect the small business owner, female entrepreneur, early rising woman I have become. But I miss the old me. The one with no stress or ulcers or worry lines on her face. The one that could sleep in til 2 and still have time to squeeze in an episode of Fringe before work. The one that could crash at a friend's house with no notice and no need for a clean change of clothes. That chick is gone with the wind, and I don't see her ever returning again. Sigh. If anyone runs into her, though, tell her I miss her and would love to hang out, even if only for a night or two. And maybe catch a movie.
BTW, the diner is more successful than we could have ever hoped for. For all of you that have come down and helped us be so successful, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope we will still be open in 50 years when I can pass this place down to my nephew or his kids or whatever. We are truly blessed.
holla.
p.s. come check out the new booth. it kicks ass.

diner-rific

So...it has been a week since the big grand opening and I know you are all dying of curiosity to know how it is all going. Let me tell ya: gangbusters. We have been blessed with more business than we know what to do with. The weekend was a mad scramBle of last minute repairs (we were closed all day saturday to fix the goddamned hood vent. it better be the last i hear from that fucker), hiring every person i could get m y hands on, and attempting to rest some and get rid of the godforsaken cold that seems to have taken up permanent residence in my lungs. i have smoke like 2 cigarettes in 6 days and i still can't seem to breathe. mucus is not my friend, contrary to what those awesome commercials would have you believe. anyway, 7 days have passed and it seems like we might actually make it here. a big shout out to all of you who have come down and helped make this place the raging success it already is, and a big shame shame on those who haven't. you are missing some delicious food and the coolest tables in nashville.
holla.

and the "i spoke too soon" award goes to...

okey dokey. here it is 1:14 AM and I am still here. Why? Andy took off with the key to my car in his pocket and his cell phone on the charger here. I am at his mercy to figure this out sometime before 4:45 when he is due back here. Looks like I am getting zero sleep before our big open later. Yay me.
holla.

why the fuck am i still up?

Sooooooooo.....we open in 5 1/2 hours and i am still here. I just got done washing all the tables and setting them, sweeping and resweeping, mobbing up like a mofo (mobbies -- you know who you are), organizing the office, drinking assloads of delicious diet coke, and readying myself mentally for a new facet of my life which is scheduled to begin in less time than i care to admit to myself right now. i feel like a kid on christmas eve. i am all jittery and excited and basically all out stoked for what the future holds for me, and that is the first time i have even remotely felt this way since i was about 20. if you knew me back then, then you are familiar with the organization (that shall remain nameless) that shit on me and pretty much sapped my will to live for a long time. Well, that was the last time i can remember being excited about what was in store for me, at least career-wise. suddenly, i am again invested in my own future. thank goodness. i was beginning to think i was destined to live out the rest of my life in a state of hopeless desperation, broken up only by shallow respites of drunken debauchery. now i get to work 15 hour days and fall into bed exhausted each night, albeit with a smile on my face. now if only andy and i can avoid killing each other, all will be well. come by tomorrow and eat an egg sandwich and help us pay for the produce that i am writing a bad check for.
holla.

Ohmigod, HOW much for one shelf?

Well, here it is, Monday night, and once again we are pushing the opening day back. At least it is only one day this time and not a week. It looks like we might do this!! We got our second food order today, including perishables, so if we don't get open and start selling food, we will be forced to have a huge party this weekend to get rid of the hundreds of eggs and whatnot. In other words: we are opening, dammit. Tomorrow we have to prep all the food, sand 7 tables, interview a couple dozen people, meet with our pastry chef (you heard me. we have a pastry chef on payroll, which means made-from-scratch bread, biscuits, pies, cakes, cobblers, etc. yum.),meet with our legalzoom rep about the LLC, learn how to use the world's most complicated cash register, pray the fire marshall has time to bring me my permit, possibly eat, drink, sleep, and bathe at some point, and finish the final chapter of my novel while running a marathon. No big. come see us wednesday and eat an egg sandwich. dare ya.
holla.

now with even more updatage!!!

Hey all....guess what? I think we might actually be able to open this sonofabitch we like to call a diner within the foreseeable future, health department willing. Yvette, if you are reading this, you are the most lovely person I have never met and I wish you and yours well, and if you are allowed to take bribes PLEASE let me know. I will totally pay you off to get the doors open. I know it's been a couple days since my last post, but a lot has happened. One ice machine, a fryer, 7000 dollars in installment fees, happy green paint, and about a 6" layer of drywall dust only begins to describe the fun we have been experiencing here at Pied Piper. Anyone who feels bored with their life, try to open a diner in 6 weeks. I dare you. Anyway, I think we might actually get a soft open on Tuesday, unless Yvette comes in here and leaves us a list of 9000 impossible tasks. PLEASE feel free to come by and eat an egg sandwich and give us some feedback and admire my craftiness on the table tops. We can't wait to share this place with someone besides ourselves, especially since Andy and I might kill each other if we don't start spending time with other people.
holla.

BIG P.S. A mighty shout out and thank you to Vegas, Rob, and Matt Kindt for kindly volunteering their time and effort last night helping us get in shape for health department today. We couldn't have done it without ya'll...ok. We COULD have, but it would have been much harder.

updatage

For those of you that religiously follow my every move, this is just a little update on the diner and what is happening. As I type, my dad and Jimmy are framing out the walls for my new office, walk-in, and dry storage area. If all goes well, this little project will be complete in the next couple of days, and we'll be ready to paint. I am thinking green. Once the paint is dry we'll be able to get all the tables and chairs in place and really start to see how this place is going to look. I am super stoked. If we don't get open and start generating some income soon, I will be forced to go pick up shifts at Texas Roadhouse, which will make me more than a little cranky, to say the least. At least we sold the infernal salad bar ($500!!!) on ebay, so there is some help. We are hopefully having a soft open this weekend, so if you live in Nashville, I expect you and yours at the corner of Riverside and Porter with empty stomachs and open minds. Meantime, feel free to come on by and check it out. We won't even put you to work unless you ask. Plus, we now officially have the coolest fucking tables in the world. If you don't believe me then come decide for yourself. See you soon?
holla.

sheesh

So....it has been a while since I have graced you all with my nuggets o' wisdom, but for those of you who aren't already aware, I have a really good reason. I have been busy as hell preparing to open my very own restaurant in East Nasty. The Pied Piper Eatery is a family friendly smoke free alcohol free diner located at the corner of Porter and Riverside in the heart of South Inglewood. If you promise not to spread it around I will let you in on a little secret: it is actually in 37216, not 37206. Don't tell...I really need the hipsters to throw their support my way. Anyway, my brother and I are taking this little expensive adventure together, and I hope to see each and every one of your asses there at least twice a day so I can afford to continue making regular payments to my mortgage company. I don't want to be mistaken for one of the many duped Americans whose names have been bandied about at will lately by some politicians. I could afford my house when I still had a job. Which I don't. Well, the eatery is going to be open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, 7 days a week, with breakfast served all day. We will also be offering curbside take away. As soon as we have a phone number I will post it, too. Please come by anytime you like and check it out or pitch in with the table deco which has turned out to be a giant pain in my ass. But worth it. I don't know how much time I will have for blogging in the near future, but I will try and keep everyone updated. And if I call because I need to ride your couch, you will know it has been a dismal failure and I am now homeless. As you can see, I have lost my regular acerbic wit....mainly due to long days spent toiling and not spent imbibing and playing pool. Oh, shit. I think I may have grown up while I wasn't looking. suck it.

Hey Jenny! What do you think about politics?

The question posed in the title of this blog was answered by my sister with the phrase "I like 'em!"when she was about 10 years old.   That answer, to me, may be the best answer available, especially considering I am a professional slinger of alcoholic beverages, and my chosen profession strongly discourages discussion of politics, sex, religion, and anything else that inspires a slightly interesting conversation.  Nonetheless, tonight's impending debate has me in a politicky state of mind and I thought I would promptly rid myself of said burden by getting my feelings out in words.  And dumping those words into the giant void of the world wide web, where they will most likely remain unheeded, as well they should be.  Anyone that knows me in the slightest is by now well aware of the fact that I am a crazy hippie left wing liberal crazy with very little regard for what transpires outside of my home and Beyond the Edge, and occasionally the Pied Piper Creamery, unless you count my useless complaining about things without ever doing much to change them.  However.  This year's election has elevated me onto my own personal soapbox because I am literally frightened by the prospect of what results this election will bring.  Hope?  Change?  Sarah Palin?  My brother has suggested that perhaps the republicans' decision to pair old John McCain with the crazy lady was an early admission of defeat and they were simply trying to find a throwaway candidate and save the big guns for the next election.  If only I could believe that.  With McCain and Obama neck in neck in the polls, it would be totally unlike any republican I have ever met to concede defeat so early in the race.  In fact, it would be unlike them to ever concede defeat, even after the popular vote has chosen a new president (see 2000, 2004.)  Which then begs the question, "What the FUCK were they thinking?"  Maybe they thought she would be better at memorizing handy catchphrases and utilizing them in conversation.  Or maybe their internet cannot access things from Alaska and were hoping the same was true of the rest of the world and no one would find out that Palin is such a ditzy nobody that likes to skin mooses and scan the horizon for Russians.  Perhaps they put the names of every single female republican in a hat and she was the lucky winner.  Those are the only feasible explanations for why this woman is being allowed to possibly be the right hand gal to the leader of the free world.  Oooh.  Maybe she has a bunch of dirt on John McCain, like homosexual home movies from his college experimental days or paperwork proving he financed Hitler's regime or some such and she blackmailed her way onto the ticket.  That would actually make more sense than being chosen on merit or experience, since she appears to not actually have either of those things.  And what has all this ballyhoo resulted in?  Free press.  And unlike the next new crime procedural on CBS, any press is NOT good press when it comes to the presidential election.  As it is, I await with bated breath to see if Palin can at least regurgitate all of the answers she has undoubtedly spent the last week memorizing for tonight's debate correctly.  And if Biden will let some of his crazy out of the box, too.  Who needs new episodes of the Office when we have Michael Scott's real life female counterpart providing free unscripted entertainment?  Not me.  

holla.

what's with all the apocalypse?

So...typical me, I just got done watching I am Legend only about a millennia after everyone else has already seen it, and it got me thinking about the recent (or relatively recent) spate of apocalypse flicks that have sprung up.  In the past few months I have seen that, plus Cloverfield,  and Children of Men.  All deal with the impending doom of world destruction one way or the other.  Couple that with the upcoming presidential election that, if it goes the wrong way, could easily spell doom for the literate half of this country, and there is a definite feeling of armageddon going down in the good ole US of A.  Perhaps that is why my fellow Nashvillians were so quick to jump on the gas crisis rumor today, spawning a run at the pumps that left the majority of Nashvegas without gas until Tuesday or Wednesday, myself included.  There is a general malaise rocking this country that hasn't been so prevalent since the days right after 9/11.  It's like an intangible dread.  I feel it often, though rarely speak of it.  Just like some weird shit is afoot at the Circle K and I don't know what to do about it.  Anyone else know what I mean?

holla.

more awesome time wasting

As if I need help finding ways to pass even more time with ridiculously unimportant mindfucks, I have found a new web browser thingy that will facilitate my need to waste time while rebuilding my stamina to whack more mobsters. Because my life is all about my mob now, people, and if you have a problem with that I will gladly call up Vinnie and Sal and have them pay you a visit. Anyway, it is called "Stumble Upon" and I did just that while looking at some gay shit I don't even remember now. But it is awesome. The site will install a toolbar that has a stumble button. After you have answered a few questions about your particular likes and dislikes, it will then randomly jump you to pages that it thinks you might like. I just mindlessly surfed the web for a good hour and only stumbled to maybe two pages I didn't really care for. The rest of them range from amusing or mildly cool to freakin awesome enough that I added them to my bookmarks. And let me tell you that not just any website merits a tab in my book marks. Anyway, look it up. You, too, might enjoy stumbling for a while.
holla.
oh, btw, my ankle/foot is still fucked up. thanks for asking.

re: my previous post

WTFF? For those of you who need translation, that means what the fucking fuck? 102.5 had me mystified all week long. Admittedly, I listened way more than I usually would, out of sheer curiosity, so if it was a marketing scheme, it most assuredly worked. However, not in a good way. Let me first address S-Po...when I say standards, I wish I meant the golden oldies. Those i could have handled. By standards, I was referring to the super golden oldies, like from the 40s. Like That's Amore and Mack the Knife and any of the other 8 songs that play on a continuous loop at olive Garden until you want to stab someone with the knife you use to cut fruit. Oops. I regressed a little there. 3 1/2 years of hearing that shit will leave permanent damage to your psyche. Well, the next day was no better, seeing as how it was "All Led Zeppelin, all the time" for 24 hours. I'm thinking any serious Led Zeppelin fan that would be interested in such a format would probably own a CD or two. Plus, the same song played the entire drive to work, which takes about 15 minutes. Then I realized that the all led zeppelin format is genius, because they only neeed one CD the fill an entire broadcast day, seeing as how every song is approximately four and half hours long. Ok. Then the next day, looking to inprove on the sheer entertainment perfection of the day before, 102.5 boasted an all Garth Brooks format. And the thunder rolls, indeed. Needless to say, i couldn't get enough of that shit. I am not ashamed to admit that as far as the aural rape some people call country music goes, Garth Brooks is the man. I know every single word to every single song on No Fences, and I just admitted it in a public forum read by millions. BUT. That doesn't mean I need a radio station dedicated to the man. Luckily, sometime yesterday...noonish, I think, 102.5 reverted back to their old format, leaving me with a slim hope that I will still get my Casey Kasem fix in the morning. Let's all cross our collective fingers on this one, and chalk this week down to randomness. It wasn't as soul crushing as when, say, 103.3 changed from the best rock station ever to a country format. On April 1st, no less, making us all think it was a super cruel April Fool's Day joke, when in fact the real joke was on us, as it was no joke. But, it sucked in it's own way. Oh well. I gotta run. I am bartending a private party this evening in H-town, and I am superstoked. Lots o' cash, free booze, and no Nazi inspired "I Heart My Job" t-shirts...
holla

Knocking on wood doesn't fucking work

So, I am personally the biggest jinx ever, and I hereby vow to make a consious effort to not like anything else so it cannot then be destroyed just to fuck with me. In case I have lost you at this point, allow me to elucidate. I assume you religiously read my blog, sometimes over and over again, and are therefore familiar with my previous post about my newfound love for the top 40 from the eighties every Sunday morning. Well, I got in my car today to go to work and my radio was tuned to 102.5, the very same station. The song on the radio was some oldie from the 40's or so, but I just assumed they were playing some Buble or something to appease the old ladies that inevitably tune in while at work. Imagine my horror then, when I get back in my car 5 hours later, and the same crappy tunes are playing. 102.5 has undergone a format change. From pop to standards. Because there is a huge demand for that in Nashville suddenly, I guess. WHAT THE FUCK (or, for those of you that only speak text, WTF!?!?). Why me? I am not allowed to have even the smallest pleasures in life. If there is anything you hold near and dear, be sure and keep it a secret from my cursed ass.
holla.

MMMM....so meaty!

OK, kids. show of hands. How many of you actually know what every single button on your tv remote does? Or your cable remote. For that matter, what about your stereo/dvd/dvr/vcr/amp, etc remote? Nobody? I don't see anyone raising their hand...right. What the hell are all of those fucking buttons for? Does anyone have a clue? I use approximately 5 buttons ona regular basis. Menu, channel up/down, volume up/down, and the 15 second rewind button (god bless you, dvr!). The rest are pretty much a mystery to me, and will probably stay that way. I don't seem to be suffering from any lack of tv watching due to my ignorance of the function of these buttons. I am beginning to appreciate the appeal of those giant button geezer phones they hawk in AARP magazine that do nothing but call people (what a concept! a phone that does nothing but phone...) I can't imagine how confusing a universal remote would be to someone that can't quite grasp the all-too elusive text message (sorry, dad. I texted him one sunday to ask him a question and several days later he managed to call me back and explain that while he was aware that he had received a text, he has no idea how to read it, much less return it. go figure.) I consider myself somewhat technologically savvy...i buy things on ebay, I take pictures with my phone, I blog. I even maintain a pretty kick ass myspace profile. I can't hack the pentagon or anything, but I got my grandpa beat hands down. Nonetheless, i have three remotes in my basket o' remotes that have never, to my knowledge, had batteries in them, much less been used for something. It's a remote control epidemic in the piper house. anyway, just some thoughts.
holla.

new favorite thing

okay, get off my ass, people. i know it has been awhile since i posted, but my life is super busy, what with all the bartending, ice cream scooping, nephew tickling, and, of course, tv watching that i have to squeeze into my typical week. who has time to sit down and dispense completely unselfish nuggets of wisdom for the masses? apparently i do, just not as often as i would like. plus, i have been told by fairly reliable sources that my blogs are not nearly as funny when i am sober as they are when i am under the influence, and lately drinking and coherency have been mutually exclusive. but not tonight. oh, no. i have the house to myself this evening, which is an exception rather than a rule lately, and i thought i would take advantage of such rare solitude by whacking a few mobsters, squeezing in a couple rounds of scramble (happy, ninner?), and blogging. none of which i am doing naked even though i totally could. shwhatever. actually, what drove me to the keyboard this evening is my desire to share with you guys my new favorite thing, an activity that will come as a surprise to many of you who are aware of my proclivities, the gamut of which almost never contains getting up early for any reason whatsoever. but, i have finally found an activity that is worthwhile enough that i have been dragging my lazy hungover ass out of bed early for, on sundays, no less. and it ain't church, god forbid. nope. i have been hopelessly addicted to listening to 102.5 FM every sunday morning. they play a replay of casey kasem's top 40 countdown from the mid-eighties, requests and dedications intact. it's like riding the nostalgia train straight to the 7th or 8th grade. i heard the song "donna" by debarge for the first time in 20+ years yesterday and surprisingly still knew every word. i know the pipers have this weird propensity for knowing song lyrics, but even i was not aware that i knew all the words to any debarge songs. i do. for real. for those of ya'll around my age, which is most of you, i do believe, this coming sunday take a little stroll down memory lane and check it out. the dedications with make you laugh, the quiet uselessness will make you cry. then roll over to 107.5 at 10 and check out the new top 40 with ryan seacrest. i expect a compare and contrast paper, no less than 5 pages, on my desk monday morning.

holla.

shame?

man oh man. i have a small confession to make to you, loyal readers. a couple of months ago when i purchased the computer i am currently blogging on, i had no idea that it would turn out to be used mostly for siad blog and playing mobsters on myspace. that game has taken me over, no lie. i am consumed with ammassing more wealth so i can purchase increasingly complicated weapons which will then allow me to more effectively wipe out rival mobs thereby ammassing even more wealth. it rules. and i am only level 20, a relatively low level in the game compared to some of the people who have pretty much wiped their asses with me, metaphorically speaking. i never allow people to wipe their ass with me in real life. unless they have a real gun. then it could happen, i guess. anyway, if you are not already playing this game, i totally recommend it as a way to completely abandon everything else in your life that you hold near and dear so as to make time for a ficticious role playing application on a lame social networking website. go for it!!!! you'll love it. and while you're at it, join my mob. i need one more member and three armored trucks before they will allow me to begin robbing banks, which is where the real money is. as it is, the most i can do is distill and distribute moonshine. while lucrative, it is no where near the reward of ripping off banks and i have my eye on a juicy bit of seaside that is in the neighborhood of 10,000,000 bucks. i need all the help i can get. i hereby take back everything i said about lame ass eric wasting all his time on world of warcraft. okay, not everything i said, but a decent portion of it. who knew that pretending to punch other people in their pretend face could be so fun?

holla.

whatever

ok...i admit that i am not exactly the most picky person when it comes to what i choose to watch to entertain myself on any given day, but lately i have found myself more and more sucked into these strangely ubiquitous australian movies that kind of suck but are spellbinding nonetheless. i don't know if it the accent or the good tans and blond hair or the fact that the people in these flicks all tend to be good looking but not crazy hot. you know what i mean? they are cute, like the hot guy that works at your local mexican restaurant, but not brad pitt level hot by any means. what this means is that watching these flicks, which are invariably a love story, is like watching a documentary almost. you believe that these dudes might actually run into a few snags trying to score some pussy. i'm sorry, but i will never believe that jake gyllenhaal has to so anything other than make eye contact and crook a single finger to get some snatch...but these aussie guys are all so average looking, it adds an air of authenticity that only kiwis and diablo cody seem to be able to achieve. there is this one in particular about 4 guys who are all eighteen trying to get laid for the first time so they throw a huge party. it's like australian pie, the unrated version. australia, unlike the u.s. but like EVERY OTHER FUCKING PLACE ON EARTH, has a pretty lax policy when it comes to showing nudity and it is fairly gratuitous. but, becuase they do it all the fucking time, it has become a non-issue. i can't wait for americans to unbuckle the fucking bible belt that dictates we all have to adhere to an elizabethan sense of propriety when we all manage to procreate, so i'm fairly sure we are familiar with the opposite sex's kibbles and bits. anyway, i wasn't really planning on climbing onto that particular high horse, so i will get back to what i was trying to say to begin with. i think they have somehow managed to inject this movie with some kind of transferrable crack that has rendered me pretty much addicted to it. those guys are so cute and loveable and yet unfuckable. anyway.

speaking of my lack of pickiness, i was watching the girls next door yesterday and i found my new favorite insult, it will NEVER, of course, be more insulting than "you smell like cheese, you loser" (there are only a handful of people on this earth allowed to sling that particular insult, and we know who we are. the rest of you: don't even fucking try it. i will know and i will hunt you down and punish you for it.) it is, however, satisfying to say...they girls and hef were all going to renfair and brought in a language coach to teach them some key phrases so kendra wouldn't feel lost all day. apparently back then, a slut was referred to as a sausage wallet. ha. say it out loud while thinking about the chick your first boyfriend fucked around with. nice, right? i knew you'd like it.

early faves for big brother 10 are in, and i will guarantee that renny ain't winning this one. of course, last season i would have sworn on a stack or your choice of religious published work that big baller and shelia were goners week one and i would have has to eat those words, so who knows? personally, i would go ahead and kick out ALL the people with fake names, like memphis and libra. please. gross. and who else is completely addicted to so you think you can dance? love that shit. will from nashville will win that whole shebang. mark my words. this week the couples split up and he will no longer be saddled with the dead weight of jessica or whatever her fucking name is. and he will rule. local boy does good. he is hot and he can dance his ass off.

weeeeeeeelllll...i have already been more loquacious than i intended, so holla.

A New Classic

All right. I was just watching the old idiot box, scrolling through looking for something to watch, when i noticed that next on AMCHD is "Delta Farce." Starring Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy. I daresay that AMC has relaxed its standards for what constitutes a classic. Delta Farce? Really? I realize it was nominated for a bunch of oscars and all that, but I am not sure i would list it up there with citizen kane and casablance. I could be wrong....nope. I'm never wrong.

On a completely unrelated topic....I have apparently been born with defective ears. My ear buds simply do not stay in my ears and it drives me fucking batty. My favorite thing is to pop in the ipod while I am either opening or closing the bar and jam out while I clean while simultaneously blocking the aural rape that some people refer to as "country music." In fact, i won't complain if i never hear another taylor swift song for the rest of my days. however, every time i bend over to pick something up, or wash a dish, or look to the left or breathe, those damn ear buds fall the fuck out. and then i curse, pop em back in, and start the cycle over. i guess i am going to have to invest in another brand and hope they work a little better. hate.

okay...one last clue that proves we are headed for apocalypse: greatest american dog. please slit my throat now. or at least rip the eyes from my skull to spare me. tv scares me sometimes.

all right. i wasn't planning on really rambling this long, but i am still digesting the delta farce thing.
holla.

No! El carro es no rojo!!!

Well, shit. It turns out that one of the many things I have seen shilled via crappily produced infomercials turns out to be the real deal. This past week I broke down and shucked out an amazing amount of cash to procure my very own copy of the rosetta stone language learning software, the latin american spanish one, in fact. and that bitch works. my brother and i are both learning espaniol (or "spanish" for you gringos) at an alrmingly fast rate. I can, with great certainty, identify that the strawberries are indeed in a basket. The women are jumping. Two. Stuff like that. Soon I will be able to sneak up on the chicks at work making bread and tell them I know that they have been talking smack about me this whole time and just shock the shit out of them. i am thinking of keeping it to myself for a while and just spring it on them one day, if only to relish the look of pure horror on their faces when they realized that THIS gringa has their number. word. watch out, kids.

now, on to bigger and better things, like the crappy summer tv schedule, or lack thereof. has anyone else been watching the trainwreck known as "celebrity circus?" it makes circus of the stars, it's 80's era older cousin, look like an intricately coreographed ballet. it is horrible. yet, not unlike a trainwreck, i can't seem to stop watching it. there is something about seeing bobby brady stapped into a giant bungie cord careening around a tiny studio that is being to filmed to look huge that completely hypnotizes a person. it is gross and fascinating at the same time... i think my favorite was seeing rachel hunter overcome her fear of heights to perform on the highwire "WITHOUT A NET!!!!!," and then seeing that she and her co-performers were all strapped in, robbing the entire routine of any type of anxiety or entertainment value. where's the thrill? if they fall, then they simply have to do an impromptu version of the bungie act. it's not like we'll get to see them go splat, which is what the circus is all about. you don't see nascar installing giant inflatable bumpers all the way around the track. what's the fun in that? in short, really bad tv has come to town. however, we did manage to catch the inaugural episode of wipeout, america's answer to the japanese game shows we have all been secretly watching on spike for years already. hosted by some dude from espn and john "skunk boy" henson of talk soup fame, it turned out to be HIlarious. many laugh out loud moments. like the first time the final 6 contestants unstrapped themselves from the wheel of death (or whatever they called it) and stumbled drunkenly toward a series of obstacles. insanity. and hilarity. plus, the commentary was actually funny, and not just in an awkward translation kind of way. at one point, a self-described basketball player tried to jump onto an obstacle and managed about 2" of air. skunk boy then explained that he owed it all to his new 'ground jordans.' oh, man. stop. funny. really.

one last thing. as you all may know, i am currently in the beginning stages of soon opening the newest pied piper creamery, somewhere other than in east nashville. like maybe west or south or north nashville. while this is nothing if not daunting, i hope you will all come out in force and buy copious amounts of frozen dairy product, which will bring me one step closer to my american dream of never working another day in my life, unless you count the arduous task of opening envelopes filled with checks made out to me and taking them to the bank. then i could focus all my energy on being the world's premiere blogger/ice creamer to the stars. jealous?

holla.

The Crappening

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. PLease take heed of this dire warning: DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, go see the new M. Night Shyamalan debacle that others have labled a "movie." That is a misnomer in virtually every sense of the word, and you will leave your local theater with a sense of bewilderment and utter letdown that will follow you around for days, if not longer. I hope I can impress upon you the gravity of this situation. You will repeatedly kick yourself if you do not listen to my pleas. That movie is unadulterated bulltwaddle, and that is being insulting to bulltwaddle. Please please please stay the fuck away. You will thank me later.

holla.

succumbing

well, well, well. i have finally realized that if i am going to expand my fan base to over 10 million so as to acquire some decent adverts, i have to move to a site where that can actually happen. myspace has been good to me, but it is time to move to greener pastures. don't worry, lovers: i will always leave a link on myspace so you old fashioned losers will know where to find me. i know most of you can't make it through your day without trolling my back-blogs looking for nuggets of wisdom to help you with your myriad of problems, and that doesn't have to change. let's all embrace the new format and see how it goes. i can always revert back to being a myspace loser if this doesn't work out so well.
while i have you: keep an eye out for updates this summer. we have the b-list reality summer programming that is just as engaging, if not more, than it's regular season counterparts. i'm talking nashville star, (or summer idol), so you think you can dance (summer dancing with the stars -- and far SUPERIOR), big brother (summer survivor), next food network star, (summer top chef), and shear genius (total unequaled crap).
early faves? S.Y.T.Y.C.D. is the only one i'm really in so far, and i do have a couple of contenders. first there is will, a black guy from nashvegas that is amazing. i think he could take it. then there is comfort (her real name? who fucking knows. who fucking cares? i don't think she could make that up, so i am sticking with yeah). anyway, she is an inferior dancer, but her personality will take her so far. she is a fire cracker! whoop! lastly, there is uma thurman. i don't know how she snuck in under a fake name, but she did and who knew she is a phenominal dancer. plus, she's best friends with her mom who apparently had her when she was about 12 because they look like sisters.
well, that's it for now. this blog s a test. it is only a test. your computer will soon revert to its regularly scheduled programming.
holla.
and thanks for finding me here. let's make this happen and get me some funding so i can just watch tv and talk about it full time.