No! El carro es no rojo!!!

Well, shit. It turns out that one of the many things I have seen shilled via crappily produced infomercials turns out to be the real deal. This past week I broke down and shucked out an amazing amount of cash to procure my very own copy of the rosetta stone language learning software, the latin american spanish one, in fact. and that bitch works. my brother and i are both learning espaniol (or "spanish" for you gringos) at an alrmingly fast rate. I can, with great certainty, identify that the strawberries are indeed in a basket. The women are jumping. Two. Stuff like that. Soon I will be able to sneak up on the chicks at work making bread and tell them I know that they have been talking smack about me this whole time and just shock the shit out of them. i am thinking of keeping it to myself for a while and just spring it on them one day, if only to relish the look of pure horror on their faces when they realized that THIS gringa has their number. word. watch out, kids.

now, on to bigger and better things, like the crappy summer tv schedule, or lack thereof. has anyone else been watching the trainwreck known as "celebrity circus?" it makes circus of the stars, it's 80's era older cousin, look like an intricately coreographed ballet. it is horrible. yet, not unlike a trainwreck, i can't seem to stop watching it. there is something about seeing bobby brady stapped into a giant bungie cord careening around a tiny studio that is being to filmed to look huge that completely hypnotizes a person. it is gross and fascinating at the same time... i think my favorite was seeing rachel hunter overcome her fear of heights to perform on the highwire "WITHOUT A NET!!!!!," and then seeing that she and her co-performers were all strapped in, robbing the entire routine of any type of anxiety or entertainment value. where's the thrill? if they fall, then they simply have to do an impromptu version of the bungie act. it's not like we'll get to see them go splat, which is what the circus is all about. you don't see nascar installing giant inflatable bumpers all the way around the track. what's the fun in that? in short, really bad tv has come to town. however, we did manage to catch the inaugural episode of wipeout, america's answer to the japanese game shows we have all been secretly watching on spike for years already. hosted by some dude from espn and john "skunk boy" henson of talk soup fame, it turned out to be HIlarious. many laugh out loud moments. like the first time the final 6 contestants unstrapped themselves from the wheel of death (or whatever they called it) and stumbled drunkenly toward a series of obstacles. insanity. and hilarity. plus, the commentary was actually funny, and not just in an awkward translation kind of way. at one point, a self-described basketball player tried to jump onto an obstacle and managed about 2" of air. skunk boy then explained that he owed it all to his new 'ground jordans.' oh, man. stop. funny. really.

one last thing. as you all may know, i am currently in the beginning stages of soon opening the newest pied piper creamery, somewhere other than in east nashville. like maybe west or south or north nashville. while this is nothing if not daunting, i hope you will all come out in force and buy copious amounts of frozen dairy product, which will bring me one step closer to my american dream of never working another day in my life, unless you count the arduous task of opening envelopes filled with checks made out to me and taking them to the bank. then i could focus all my energy on being the world's premiere blogger/ice creamer to the stars. jealous?

holla.

The Crappening

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. PLease take heed of this dire warning: DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, go see the new M. Night Shyamalan debacle that others have labled a "movie." That is a misnomer in virtually every sense of the word, and you will leave your local theater with a sense of bewilderment and utter letdown that will follow you around for days, if not longer. I hope I can impress upon you the gravity of this situation. You will repeatedly kick yourself if you do not listen to my pleas. That movie is unadulterated bulltwaddle, and that is being insulting to bulltwaddle. Please please please stay the fuck away. You will thank me later.

holla.

succumbing

well, well, well. i have finally realized that if i am going to expand my fan base to over 10 million so as to acquire some decent adverts, i have to move to a site where that can actually happen. myspace has been good to me, but it is time to move to greener pastures. don't worry, lovers: i will always leave a link on myspace so you old fashioned losers will know where to find me. i know most of you can't make it through your day without trolling my back-blogs looking for nuggets of wisdom to help you with your myriad of problems, and that doesn't have to change. let's all embrace the new format and see how it goes. i can always revert back to being a myspace loser if this doesn't work out so well.
while i have you: keep an eye out for updates this summer. we have the b-list reality summer programming that is just as engaging, if not more, than it's regular season counterparts. i'm talking nashville star, (or summer idol), so you think you can dance (summer dancing with the stars -- and far SUPERIOR), big brother (summer survivor), next food network star, (summer top chef), and shear genius (total unequaled crap).
early faves? S.Y.T.Y.C.D. is the only one i'm really in so far, and i do have a couple of contenders. first there is will, a black guy from nashvegas that is amazing. i think he could take it. then there is comfort (her real name? who fucking knows. who fucking cares? i don't think she could make that up, so i am sticking with yeah). anyway, she is an inferior dancer, but her personality will take her so far. she is a fire cracker! whoop! lastly, there is uma thurman. i don't know how she snuck in under a fake name, but she did and who knew she is a phenominal dancer. plus, she's best friends with her mom who apparently had her when she was about 12 because they look like sisters.
well, that's it for now. this blog s a test. it is only a test. your computer will soon revert to its regularly scheduled programming.
holla.
and thanks for finding me here. let's make this happen and get me some funding so i can just watch tv and talk about it full time.